not my monkey!
song of the week: “Rubberneckers” by Christian Lee Hutson
I’ve always been a major control freak, thanks to my OCD. I like when things go according to plan, I like when everything has its place. Don’t confuse this for organization and neatness though. I’m usually late everywhere I go and just because I like for everything to have a place, it doesn’t mean it’s always in it’s place. In fact I’m kind of a mess a lot of the time. Always put together on the outside, jumbled mess of thoughts on the inside. On top of all this I’m also a major people pleaser and a perfectionist so the combination of the three can often be diabolical. Over the past month, the weight of these faults has started to drag me down. I can tell because for the past month my mom has been telling me to stop putting my stress on others but herself especially.
I was raised to be open and honest about my feelings, so when I feel something strongly, there is a deep need within me to discuss it with others. Because I often feel things so intensely, sometimes my “sharing time” can get me riled up and I turn into oobleck, that mixture of cornstarch, water, and food coloring that you made as a kid. I am solid, until I turn into liquid, negative energy seeping out, being absorbed by others around me. I’m not proud of this quality I seem to possess, and it’s something that I’m consistently working on.
As the oldest sibling in my household I carry a lot of natural stress because I feel responsible for my siblings and so many others in my life. I get overwhelmed with the weight of these worries and sometimes I’ll be honest, I lose my shit. I get so stressed I can’t think straight. The feelings in my head begin to seem like truth, and truth becomes the impossible.
All it takes is a little reminder of my real responsiblities for me to release a lot of my stress. I am not responsible for anyone other than myself. I am not anyone’s mother, and I do not owe anything anything except myself. Even though I care so deeply for those in my life and want to protect them and keep them happy I cannot control them and I cannot control what happens to them. I can only control myself, and even so I can’t always control what happens to me.
While talking to my friend’s mom about how stressed I was to host some visiting friends at my house, she gave me some simple but great advice that I really needed to hear. She told me that sometimes you have to take a minute and remember “not my circus, not my monkey”. My first reaction was that it seemed like a harsh statement, or a selfish one, but I quickly understood that it’s a necessary one because others also need to help themselves and learn from their experiences to improve their future. I began to realize that I take on so much stress in my life not because it’s actually my responsibility but because I feel like it is. If a monkey’s running loose in the circus I may feel like my duty is to do something to help, but ultimately whoever owns the monkey is the one in charge of rangling it in.
My feelings as strong as they may be, do not define truth. My feelings are only part of a larger truth. Even though I may feel responsible for something, it doesn’t always mean I am. I know this advice seems silly because it’s so obvious but I think that sometimes we all need reminders that our only true job in this life is to enjoy it and keep ourselves happy and healthy. Our number one priority should be ourselves, because we can’t give to others and the world if we don’t give anything to ourselves.
Thanks mom for the wake up call.
xo,
gaby
