for the plot?

Song of the week: “Sunshine Baby” by The Japanese House

I recently went out on an amazing date, with an amazing guy, and while he isn’t the point of this entry, it feels important to mention that I like him and had a great time. Sitting in a park near my house, we played each other some songs on guitar. He played me “Love Is Blind” by Amy Winehouse and while I’ll admit it wasn’t the greatest performance, him being nervous and soft spoken, it was really cute and admirable that he had played for me, not being a musician like myself. I told him that he had done well and that I liked his little performance (both of which were not lies) but he couldn’t take the compliment, instead insisting that it was his worst performance yet. I then joked, “well as least you’re humble because one of us has got to be”!

I immediately felt ashamed that I had said that and I outwardly cringed at my own words. I didn’t want to seem self absorbed, moreso self aware. Humility is a virtue applauded by many and I didn’t want him to think that none of it existed within me. I began to clarify that I’m not humble out of intention. I told him about some of my hardest experiences growing up, and the challenges I’ve faced. I told him about how I’ve overcome them. I told him how proud I am of where I currently stand, and how happy I am in life and with myself, after working so hard to be. He listened intently to everything I had to say, and he seemed to understand. I told him that if I was proud of who I am, why wouldn’t I want to be outward about it?

I’m not saying I parade around my achievements. I accept compliments with a “thank you” and not “I know”, but I do hype myself up by saying “Wow I look good today” or “I deserve better”. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not humility that I intentionally reject, or rather a strong sense of self worth that I outwardly portray. Either way, his response to everything I had to say was perfect. He said it’s probably better to not be humble with intention than to not be humble without anyway. At least that’s how I remember it (Eli, if you’re reading this, feel free to correct me).

I’ve really been reflecting on the simple idea that the things we do can be done with intention. I can intentionally choose to act a certain way, to portray myself as a certain version of myself, or as the most authentic version of myself. This information feels so important because I agree with Eli, that the things we do with intention, mean more than the things we do without.

A recent trend I’ve been seeing within my generation is the idea that we should do things “for the plot”. It’s kinda like living with a YOLO mentality, where you do things just to see what the outcome will be. Hoping that an action will take you into somewhere unexpected and make the plot in the movie of your life a little more interesting.

For my entire first semester of college I decided to live with this mentality. Everything around me was new, so I took advantage of every opportunity accessible to me that since I had nothing to lose. For this period of my life, I found it helpful because it exposed me to a lot of new experiences that I probably wouldn’t have chosen for myself otherwise. However, there was a point nearing the end of first semester where I started to feel like I was being inauthentic. I started to lose myself because I was so focused on making the most of every day that I began doing things “for the plot” that just didn’t feel like me anymore. I felt like I always needed to be busy, that all of my free time had to be well spent. There was even a point I started skipping class because I felt like it was wasting the precious hours I had in a day. My anxiety began to take over, and things that were once “for the plot” felt necessary. What I seemed to forget is that with the new meaningful connections I had made at school, I now had more to lose as well. I couldn’t just go on my own weird solo adventures and forget all about them if I wanted to keep them in my life. Once I realized this, I soon started to focus more on doing things that could give me a certain outcome I desired rather than doing things with no idea of a potential outcome, and I started to feel more like myself. Sometimes having a goal is good, and making choices based on outcomes is ok, not anal. We don’t have to be free and easygoing and fun all the time, because its not always the most stable way to live, and stability doesn’t have to be boring.

I think that when we’re young, we can get caught in ideas of needing to make the most of our time and enjoying our so called “best years of life” when it’s really a period of self discovery and transition into adulthood, which should also be fun. During this time it’s important that we create a healthy balance of doing things with solid intentions and doing things “for the plot”. I do still think that doing things “for the plot” can really help to push a person out of their comfort zone and do something beneficial for themself, but I also know it’s important to do what feels right for yourself. You don’t have to go to every party you’re invited to just because of what might happen or who you might meet, but maybe go to a few every once and a while if that’s fun for you. You don’t have to go on 50 hinge dates just to meet new people if that’s not for you, but maybe ask out that really cute guy named Eli at the climbing gym because who knows, he might just say a few things that help you re-think your perspective on life!

xo,

gaby