7 things I learned from having sex with 7 people (in 2025)
Song of the week:
When I started reflecting on my 2025, I started thinking about all the things I’ve learned this year because I value the personal impact of a year on how much I’ve learned from the experiences and challenges I’ve encountered. In 2025, I guess I’d say I learned the most about romantic love, or really, what to do when you’re faced with a lack thereof.
As a girl who’s just entered her 20s, has never been in love, and still hasn’t had a real boyfriend, I know that it can be hard to be single, even when Vogue is trying to tell you that boyfriends are embarrassing. But one thing I am not is sexless. I like to think that I know sex, and that I’m good at it. Yet, sex and love are not the same thing. You can’t replace one want with the other. They can’t fill the void in each other’s absence. Trust and believe me when I say this, because this year, I tested it out.
In 2025, I went on 12 first dates.
2 I ended up ghosting (sorry, not sorry!!)
3 ended only in makeouts
2 ended in two-month-long situationships
2 I cried over
7 I had sex with
I never thought I would post something as personal as this, but the thing is, I’ve found a lot a merit in the things I’ve learned this year that I’m going to take with me into 2026. If there’s anyone out there who relates to me and the romantic struggles that I’ve faced, or anyone who’s in their “slut era” like I was this year, then I hope you can find some useful information in this so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes as mine.
Here’s 7 things I learned from having sex with 7 people (in 2025):
Make Sure You’re In The Right Headspace
When I say this, I don’t mean consent, even though it’s the most important thing to be mindful of when having sex with someone. I’m talking about your emotional state. It’s important that you’re ready for sex and that you know what you want to come out of it. In February, I was briefly seeing this guy, and while I thought I was ready for something more emotionally detached, it quickly became apparent that it’s not what I wanted. When things started to become more emotional for me, and I realized that it was what I wanted, I ran out on him because I knew we didn’t want the same things. He was a really nice guy, and even though I don’t regret my decision to stop seeing him, I wish I hadn’t put him through what I did because I had my own shit to figure out. My problems weren’t his problems. He didn’t deserve that.
Sexual Exclusivity ≠ Real Commitment
If you’re out there looking for something more stable, or a relationship with more commitment, don’t settle just because of how much you like somebody. Don’t try to make friends with benefits work if it’s not ultimately what you want. Definitely don’t settle for an arrangement with “sexual exclusivity”, because at the end of the day, it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean that the person you’re with will promise to be with you, to love you, or not to pursue other romantic interests. It doesn’t promise that after two months of being with someone, they’ll decide they want to be with you, even though they initially told you they weren’t ready for a relationship. It doesn’t promise you that a week after they end things, they won’t post their new girlfriend, who isn’t you. Sexual exclusivity is not a real commitment. It’s a loophole for people who want all of the perks of a relationship without the emotional and personal commitment, which I believe is kind of selfish. Sometimes a compromise isn’t a real compromise. Never give more of yourself unless you’re 100% sure your partner is willing to meet you on the same level.
Casual Sex Is An Exception, Not The Standard
I feel like my generation’s normalization of hookup culture has desensitized many into believing that sex can and should sometimes be casual - myself included. Digital media has told this tale for a long time, as can seen in “Sex and the City” or more recently “Sex Lives of College Girls”. There’s this idea that women should explore and have fun when they’re young. That’s what your 20s and early 30s are for!! Even though I’ve taken advantage of this narrative for the last year, I’m starting to think to hell with it all. The thing about sex is, I don’t think it’s ever been casual. I grew up Catholic, and so, of course, as a hormonal teenager I wanted to rebel against the idea that sex is “a divine and sacred act to be committed by two people in love and only with the intent of producing children.” I still hate thinking about it that way, and I think it’s because I hate to admit that there is some truth in that way of thinking. Sure, we are anatomically designed to have sex and to want to have sex to reproduce, but it’s not the only reason we do it. At 17, I definitely wasn’t thinking that I wanted to have sex with some really hot guy because I wanted to have his babies. However, I will admit that sex isn’t casual. It’s not really meant to happen one time with a stranger that you’ll never see again. Or at least, I don’t think so. Not shaming at all if that’s what feels right to you, because I’ve been there too. These days, I like to keep a little more consistency with who I’m seeing, and it’s honestly because I’m realizing that sex can sometimes be one of the most intimate things in the world. To be vulnerable enough to be completely naked with someone else is one thing, but to give and to take from one another, to learn each other’s bodies, and give up power is a gift. They are experiences I could never forget. I could tell you the little quirks of every person I’ve ever been with, all things I unwillingly remember. Somehow, they stay etched in my mind. The ones it was the best with are the ones that really stick with me the longest, because when it’s good with someone, I almost never want to live without it. It can bring people closer in ways they never imagined. I think that a lot of the modern dating world is full of people who just crave that human connection and intimacy that sex can give you with another person. It can make a person you’ve known for 48 hours make you feel like you’ve known them forever. Most of all, I think that people in today’s modern dating world (or maybe just the men aged 19-25 in Boston and LA that I find on Hinge) are scared of admitting that what they want is real human intimacy and connection but scared to get hurt, so they feed into hookup culture because it gives them a taste of what they want while protecting their heart. Sometimes I feel like that’s me, too.
“Actions Speak Louder Than Words” is Bullshit
Something I see alllll the time in today’s media (TikTok and Instagram) is this idea that “if they wanted to, they would”. Because, y’know, if your partner wanted to buy you flowers to make you happy, then they just would. It’s an idea that I would normally applaud because it can help many women in relationships to realize that they might deserve better, but just like so many other things, it’s also such a generalization of people. I think rather than thinking about people in such an automatically negative way by searching for what they’re doing wrong or what they could do better, maybe people should focus more on communicating their wants and needs to give their partner the opportunity to make them happy. Not all men buy flowers. Maybe they think that flowers aren’t your thing. There’s no harm in discussing your wants and needs. COMMUNICATION IS KEY, in life, and in everything!! I think this same way of thinking applies to whoever you might be seeing or having sex with at the moment. Just because they didn’t initiate sex with you doesn’t always mean they don’t want it. It’s good to always communicate because you never know, it could end up that your partner feels that they’ve initiated sex so many times that they’d like you to initiate! Neither of you would know if you never talked about it. I think it’s easy to forget that the sounds that come out of our mouths every day mean something, and that sometimes they’re the most important thing of all. When communicating with your partner, make sure to take the time to listen as well, because words do have value, as much as we’re told that “actions are louder than words”. If you know your partner in an honest person, then why not also take them at their word?Good Sex Isn’t Everything
This might seem like an obvious or self-explanatory statement, but it’s in here because it’s truly something that I learned this year. When seeing someone new, it can be exciting and all-consuming. All you wanna do all day is think about all the good in that person, and brag about all the amazing sex (if it’s good). Sometimes I can get so caught up in all the good that I’m not actually looking at all of the important things. I start to focus more on the actions going on than the person who’s committing them. However, if you’re having sex with someone, then don’t you think you should know as much as you can about the person you’re doing it with? I think one of my biggest regrets is realizing two months in that the person I’ve been with is not a person I actually want to be with. This guy was a total narcissist with a #hugeego. “But hey, at least the sex was good!!” Absolutely not. I’d rather not be the girl who gets married and five years later wakes up and realizes her husband is actually the conservative asshole people say he is, because she was blinded by the good. You can’t have good all the time, because the good can’t exist without the bad. It might take a while to get to the good, or you might lose it for a little bit, or get bored, and have to find a new good, which are all situations that I think are better than what only focusing on the good might get you.
Sometimes It’s Better To Stick To Strangers
This one’s a little simpler. When choosing someone to become sexually and emotionally entangled with, it’s important to choose wisely. It’s not only important that we choose them based on who they are as a person, but also as who they are in our lives. If you’re not planning on starting something serious with this person or wouldn’t date them, then maybe don’t start something with a friend, or in my case, a bandmate. If they’re an important person in your life, then why not avoid any potential fallout altogether? If someone catches feelings or needs change, and it ends, then it isn’t as awkward as it might be if you continue to be around them all the time. Even though being messy is sometimes fun, it can require more work in the long run. I always just advise taking a second to think it through, unless you really do think you’re in love with your best friend and they return the feelings. In that case, I think it’s better to have loved than not at all.
You Can’t Rush A Real Relationship
If you’re reading this, then hey, you made it to our lucky #7!! This one kind of builds on everything so far. When faced with the excitement of seeing someone new, it can be easy to rush things. When you begin to like someone and gain more familiarity with them, it can be easy to want to spend all your time with them, to learn everything about them, and then, before you know it, you’ve spent 48 hours with that person, all within a 2-mile radius of your apartment. In those 48 hours, you may have gotten dinner, watched a movie, have some good conversations, get cracked, let them sleep over at your apartment, showered together, get coffee together the next morning, and do the whole thing all over again. All of these actions can be super intimate actions because often times we do them by ourselves. If I were by myself for a day, that would be my exact routine. By doing these activities with someone else, by letting them into the more intimate parts of our lives, it can make people feel like they’re much closer or like they know each other better than they really do. It’s easy to rush things with someone when you’ve let them into intimate spaces, like including them in your 9-step shower routine. If you’re someone out there who thinks you might want to be in a relationship, be cautious in the way that you let people into your life. It can be too much too soon sometimes, almost like you’re playing house with a stranger, and let’s face it, that person that you might have met 48 hours ago and realllllly like, he’s kind of a stranger. How much do you really know about them? What exactly do u really like about them? If you want something real, I believe it takes time. You can’t force a connection. It’s important that it builds naturally and that the relationship has a strong foundation, or else it probably won’t last long. Ask any U-Haul lesbian. I’m sure they could tell you some horror stories.
Thanks, 2025. We had a good run. #peaceout #2026!!!
xoxo,
gaby!
