shoe shopping
Song of the week: “Seventeen Going Under” by Sam Fender
Right now life just feels like I’m trying to squeeze myself into shoes half a size too small from all the growing I’ve done. Since returning from my first year of college I’ve noticed that a lot of things have changed, not just internally but externally as well. Through talking with many other friends that went away from home for college, I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. The first year of college holds a lot of growth in such a short amount of time. It hasn’t even been a year yet but I can already see all the new nuances in myself and everything around me. Ultimately, while I feel that lots of things are different, I know that I’m not a different person. Maybe I’ve got a new hair color, new tattoos, and new clothes, but I’m still the same old me, just a fuller version of myself. I feel more complete and confident and self assured, which I think I owe to the promise I made to myself while starting anew at college, that I would stay true to my core values and be my most aunthentic self. I like this version of myself better, and while I may have lost myself in the beginning of school while trying to figure out where I fit in, I know that I’ve definitely found my place. It’s evident in the amazing friends I’ve made, opportunities I’ve receieved, and personal development I’ve done. I experienced so much while I was away. I learned to live independently, learned to love, and found new hobbies. But like with anything, there are ups and downs. I also experienced heartbreak and failure. Even so, I know that I have grown from each of my experiences, big or small, positive and negative. Although it can often be hard to see in the moment, it’s usually the experiences that hurt us the most that cause us to grow the most anyway.
Sometimes I can get caught up in thinking that all the people currently around me that are associated with my LA life don’t like the changes that they are seeing within me. However, I’m working on reminding myself that just like with anything, people need time to adjust. While I am proud of who I have become throughout all of my growing, I know that it is not always easy for others to accept that change within me. My mom is probabaly the person who has had the hardest time dealing with these changes because I know that as my mother, it hurts her to know what I have gone through. She just wants to protect me and keep me safe even though it’s time for me to learn how to protect myself, which I am ready to do. It can be frustrating sometimes that while my mom is having a hard time adjusting to these changes, she fails to remember that so am I. I’m adjusting to my loss of personal freedom and the changes within the other members of my family. I can’t go to bed at 1 am anymore because my younger siblings need to go to bed early and I can’t just come and go around the house whenever I please. Everyone got used to living without me in the house. They built some new rules and rountines that I’m learning late, so when I forget, I look pretty bad. Aside from this, my siblings have grown as well, without me there to witness it. It’s weird. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own personal growth that I forgot just becsause I went away to school, it didn’t mean that everyone else’s lives had suddenly been put on pause.
I’m stuck in a period of adjustment, for the next month and a half, and unfortunately, everyone around me, in my LA life, is forced to be as well. Luckily, this is the worst part of life right now. My family is healthy, I am healthy, and I have many other things to be grateful for. Soon enough I will be back in Boston for the start of a new school year.
When I get back to Boston, I will not be done adjusting. I’ll be moving into a new apartment with new roomates, and I’ll have to get used to finally having my own room. But at least I won’t have to subject anyone else to suffer through that period of adjustment with me. Who’s to say that every summer will be like this one either? I’ve been thinking about staying in Boston next year to really take advantage of my life out there. My lease lasts a year and I have a job so I could pay the rent, or help my parents pay it.
Everything in life eventually passes, and life is full of constant change. If we don’t learn to adapt, then we’ll really get stuck wearing the wrong size of shoes that will permanently fuck up out feet. Sure, this summer I’m doing mental acrobatics to constantly keep the tension between me and my family at bay, but who knows what next will bring? Maybe I’ll be on a US tour, opening for another musician (god please if you’re up there that would be hella awesome), or maybe in NYC for a super cool internship. Either way, with whatever I’m doing, I hope this next school year and more time away will do me and my family some good.
But just in case, I should probably buy a new pair of sneakers the next half size up.
xo,
gaby
