high school love

Journal Entry
Written By gaby!

Most people tend to have controversial takes on their high school experiences. If you peaked in high school, then maybe they were the greatest years of your life, or maybe you were the freak in “Freaks and Geeks,” and they were your worst. I happen to feel pretty neutral about those four years, but with our high school years appearing at such an important developmental phase in our lives, I sometimes question if what we experience in those years - or in my case, lack thereof - will continue to impact aspects of our life later on, as we continue to grow and change.

I never dated in high school. I went to an all-girls Catholic high school, and I think I only ever really knew 2 boys my age during my 4 years there. I never got the gross make-out sesh against the lockers or the hand-holding during passing periods. I never had anyone to take me to the dances or to bring home to meet my parents. My dad never had to yell at me to keep my bedroom door open, and even if I did date in high school, we probably never would have been at my house because I still share a room with my sister, who’s 6 years younger than me, which is a huge reason why I’m glad I don’t live at home anymore. #blessed🙏

There is a small seed of jealousy that grows inside of me when I think of all the little things I missed in high school. I feel envious of others who did experience those things because they feel like such an essential part of being a teenager that I never got to experience. It didn’t help that the media I consumed at that age just reaffirmed those ideas. Growing up, it often left me feeling isolated or stunted in many ways, which contrasts with how I usually seem to others on the outside. I think missing out on a lot of the typical or stereotypical “teenager-y experiences” made me more inclined to grow up faster, to skip past that phase, and move into something that felt more adult.

Even though I am now somewhat of an adult - I still struggle to do things like not leave my keys in the lock on the front door of my apartment, or take out the trash on time - one of my biggest fears is that what I lacked in my past will catch up to me at some point and compromise my present. I’ve always been afraid to even admit to myself that what I want is to fall in love. I want to have something reminiscent of the way my *sometimes amazing parents are with each other, something that I’m lucky to be able to witness because I know that not everyone’s parents even want to be around each other as much as mine do. For the longest time, I’ve been scared to say out loud that what I want is to be somebody’s person, because I’ve always been very vocal about the fact that I never want to be a girlfriend, but rather a girl with a fulfilling life and a significant other as nice add-on.

Since starting college, I’ve casually dated a lot of people, and sometimes even multiple at the same time. It can be fun, liberating, and exciting, or it can be exhausting and make me feel stupid or slutty. While a large part of me chose that for myself because I wanted to do some experimentation and self-exploration, it was partly in fear that if I told someone that what I wanted was to be in a relationship, I would scare them away, because, as my mom has always told me, “nobody wants to get locked into a relationship in college”. Instead of communicating what I truly wanted, some small, insecure, and desperate part of me figured that if I started off on casual terms with people, maybe just maybe one of them would spend enough time with me or like me enough to want to get involved with me seriously. When I think about it now and look back on all that I’ve done, it seems pretty fucking bleak. If I were honest with myself, I might have saved myself a lot more time and heartbreak each time the next person decided they didn’t want me, or rather, a relationship.

Through casual dating, I learned a lot of valuable lessons. I learned parts of what it’s like to be in a relationship. I learned what it’s like to stay the night at someone’s place, to fall asleep in their arms, shower, and grab breakfast together the next morning. I’ve learned how much I love domesticity through my experiences of making people dinner at my apartment, and having them come to support me at my music performances. One time, I even learned what it was like to be the girl who dates the guy that plays in a shitty basement band, and expects you to come to their shows in a frat house backyard, and view their music as the word of god - even when you make better music than them.

Fortunately, I think I’ve reached a point now where I no longer want to do casual dating or sleep around anymore. I want to truly open myself up to love and to a committed relationship, and I think the first step towards that is being honest and open about it with people. I have so much love to give to someone who wants and deserves it, and I don’t want to be embarrassed about it.

I want someone who wants to wake up next to me every day and go out to brunch. I want someone who wants to go on adventures, trips, and go camping. I want someone who wants to go shopping and to concerts, and cook dinner together. I want someone who wants to laugh and be goofy with me, and then be there for each other when things get tough. I want someone who makes me feel like the most special girl in the world, who believes what I have to say is important, and who gives me as much love as they can, just like I would do for them. I want someone who wants to wear stupid matching sweat-sets at the airport and who wants to make a joint Beli account so we can review all the restaurants we’ve been to together. Someone who wants to get me flowers for the vase on my nightstand, and talk about the hard things when they appear. I want someone who wants to grow with me and work on being better humans together.

I want someone who can give me the love I experience with my family, and to become a part of my family. I want someone who wants to drive up the California coast with me - like I’m doing with my family as I write this. I want someone who wants to bask in the fucking sunlight with the windows down and the sunroof open, looking at the beautiful view, the miles of green as we pass Big Sur into Monterey. I want to blast “Sailing” by Christopher Cross with them, the song that reminds me of all the love my own mother gives to me and to the world. I want to sit with them in gratitude and happiness, to kiss their cheek and play with their hair on the back of their neck, to sing and laugh, and just be alive together.

There’s a part of me that believes I met that person this January. I hope they stay in my life for a long time. I’m terrified to screw things up or scare them off or lose them from my life, but I’m also maybe the most excited I’ve ever been in my life. Whichever way it goes, I always remind myself that at the end of the day, it’s just another experience to learn from, and to prove to myself that just because I may have missed something in high school doesn’t mean I’m going to miss it forever. Maybe whatever is waiting for me will be better than anything high school me could have ever imagined.

Song of the week:

Things that brought me joy this week:

xoxo,

gaby!

gaby!
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